My friend Meredith Resnick has just published a very helpful book about coping with the narcissists in your life. Surviving the Narcissist is a 30 day plan for how to get over or cope with this relationship in your life. I found this book to be eye-opening. It might just be the little nudge you need to solve some relationship problems! I had a chance to ask Meredith some questions about narcissism:

What is a narcissist?

Someone who lacks empathy, who is grandiose, who takes advantage of others, those are hallmarks traits of a narcissist. However,  narcissists can also be very charming, often taking on the personality of the person from whom they want approval. They do this because they themselves feel that there is nothing inside them–in other words, that they are nothing–and so instead of drawing on internal strengths, they take from others, and relegate to the other person their own feeling of emptiness and nothingness. This is called projection. (By the way, the emptiness or nothingness I’m referring to in narcissism is not the same as what is discussed in Buddhism.)

Why is it so hard to get over a narcissist?

Denial is a big part, and understandably so. The narcissistic person is wounded, however, they relegate this wound to the other person. Without realizing it, the other person starts to behave as the wounded one, something the narcissist needs to feel — momentarily — whole. But as the other person wakes up, the narcissist then senses that the other person might be getting a clue as to what’s going on, and then becomes needy and apologietic. The pattern repeats and morphs. All this is unconscious, of course, adding to the crazy-making. My first book, Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved goes into more detail about these and other dynamics. My new book, Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery, helps in the healing.